I have laced this post with links. Sometimes when "feeling" things, music has a way of transcending how we think and feel. At times, it's as if the artist has pulled our very own experiences out, and put them to song. It's bizarre. So this is what I have done here...
Today is the one year anniversary of the day I found myself standing in Lewistown, MT. A day when nothing in my head made sense, nothing in my life was making sense. I had just driven 14 hours after an hour of sleep trying to find reason in the events that set me on this course of action.
A break up from my best friend of had me moved out of my house and basically homeless. With a bunch of cash in my pocket, I just drove... East... I went home...Central Montana.
I wish I had something here for hell frozen over, but can't think of anything at the moment. Everyone talks about how beautiful it is and all that, but...just try living there and trying to succumb to their way of living. It's still about 1989 back there, but they have smart phones...It's a different place...and its surrounded by nuclear warheads...It seems all anyone can do around there to try and stay sane is drink like a fish.
So that's what I did. After 14 hours on the road when nothing in my world made any sense. They tell us in AA that there aren't an good reasons to drink. But I tell you what, when you are sober 2 years and nothing makes sense, you look at a drink, think to yourself, "...that doesn't make sense either..."
Nothing else was making sense, fuck it. After what .I had just went through: I needed a drink. And then a month or so later, maybe less. I would have to guess the numbers at 99% of all my worldly belongings ended up in a landfill somewhere... I was in Central Montana, with quite literally the clothes on my back and not much else...
I spent a lot of time mulling over the way I would handle the next time I would see this person, what I would say, or if she even deserved the slightest iota of my attention. When the time came that I was going to see her, I chose not to. At the time I really only had 2 words to say to her. The last word being "you".
After spending days and months searching for answers, and not getting anything. Then I thought, why not "Google it!"
So what am I dealing with a year ago today? Girls. Love. Apparently the top search on the internet for what girls love is a song by Drake, Girls Love Beyonce. I once heard D.R.A.K.E. stated as Do Right And Kill Everything.
And that's exactly what happened. So here I am, a year later, and still have 2 words to say to her, and the last one is still "you".
Thank You.
There I was. Day one of a relapse. Shots. Shots. Shots, and more shots. And it was like that all summer long. It was fun for a while. But I am an alcoholic. It doesn't take long for it to get to a dark place. Like a night of double patron shots, and not really caring if I lived or died in between where I left and where I ended up...
The summer slowly faded into fall, which in Montana, is basically winter. I had ventured to and from Washington 3 or 4 different times trying to find that energy that I had before my relapse started happening. I was falling fast. The depression that I cope with had began to become increasingly unbearable. Everyday seemed to be worse than the one prior.
My drinking affected my relationships with people I care about, and some I don't really care about. The consensus is that I am a douche bag. The way I behaved most of the time I was drunk, well...I would have to agree. As a matter of fact, the "me" that writes this right now would tell you to runaway as fast as you can!!
At work I would snap at people. The way I treated people in social situations... I'm not even sure I can go back and make a proper amends to some people because the douche-ary happened so often that it kind of became just who I was. And that's how people saw me. I'm sure that's how they treated me too, but I was too busy being a dick to even notice, or care.
I was never going to fit in "properly" in this place if all I could do was drink to stay sane and ruin all of my relationships. Being in AA and sober for all those years made it real easy to see that if I kept doing what I was doing "an end" of sorts was in my future.
What kind of end? It's hard to say...but with as dark and deep as my depression had been going, I knew which "end" I was in store for if I didn't stop drinking...But I couldn't. I didn't want drink to a lot of times, but I did anyway... Just to forget...Forget about the last year of my life...forget about my house that I lost...forget about my back injury that resulted in a 10 year career down the drain...forget about it all...Just about lost all hope in everything. I felt lost at sea. Waves throwing me around...not knowing, or really caring where I would land.
...and then I met someone.
I met a young lady...
And if this is going right, you should be listening to Mr. Probz, Waves. This song was all over the radio a couple months before I left Montana, and epitomizes what I was feeling, thinking, going through during this period in my life.
Yes, then I met a young lady. Who, in the end, probably saved my life, and helped me recognize the part of me that was dead/dying. Helped me to recognize a part of me that had been broken, or at least dislodged for so long. A part of myself I missed.
But remember, I am going through some serious self-destruction in my life right now...I am only looking out for me and my interests.
Where I worked would have us paired with another coworker from time to time when some of the projects required another set of hands...The time I spent with her during one 8 hour shift transcended any casual experience I've had with another human being before, and after. I sat through breaks and lunches wondering how this young lady was so amazingly inquisitive about some of the most important questions human kind should be asking.
It's what is referred to as "being awake" or "waking up"(think The Matrix).
It was like I knew her from another time and place...on some other plane I was her king, she was my queen, we were royalty. As if we had met 2,000 years ago... Something along the lines...all possible outcomes are possible... parapsychology.(this isn't the post for all of what that can entail, but it will be coming soon).
Baffled by this experience, and needing answers...I googled it. "Lord, I need a pure heroine."
I think this song encompasses how someone might feel growing up their whole lives in a place like Lewistown, MT...A person like the young lady who seems to have me spellbound. You just wanna break them out and show them the world...(lol, think The Matrix)
Needless to say I handled the situation in the exact opposite way a guy should treat a girl that he's interested in and wants to get to know, yeah I blew it alright, and in more ways than one. But that's okay because had anything that could have transpired during that period ever have come about, it would all be gone now anyway.
Because trust me, no amount of how much I think a girl, relationship, piece of ass, or just a cuddle buddy will keep me sober: it won't. And no amount of a pure heroine is going to want any part of my drunk ass. Right?;) "_________"
"How should a girl be treated," you might ask.
I wrote quite a few posts about the ins and outs of it all about 6 months ago, but really, it goes deeper than the complete physical. Which can lead to a spiritual bond, but gets messy and the(sexual) energy gets displaced and misused. Creating black hole that tends to chew up your insides, all the while using things to fill that void. For me, I turned to alcohol, and later sex to fill those voids.
Yes, "sex" can be used to try and fill the void created by "sex". See the vicious circle?
So how should have I better handled my last experience, and how will I handle any similar circumstances in the future? How we all should be treated...With TLC, baby!
There I am, spiraling out of control more and more by each passing week. Work became nearly unbearable. Spending between 8-10 hours basically stuck in my head, with waves of suicidal thoughts popping up every few hours or so. I never went so far as to actually plan anything out, but all I knew is that I was tired of existing, I felt as everyone around me didn't want me to exist anymore either. The negative energy became overwhelming...It was all my doing.
Then one evening as I was assembling a three inch heater a coworker must have noticed something about me was off, and probably noticed for sometime, but finally decided to come and check on me back in the corner they kept me in.
The conversation led to talking about my grandfather who has a heart condition that doesn't have him being here much longer. She knew I wasn't really happy being in Montana, but probably didn't know how much of an impact on me as she had on me leaving...
She wasn't aware of his exact condition, but said something along the lines that, he wouldn't want me just hanging out in Montana waiting for him to pass on...sure he appreciates me being there, and coming around from time to time, and making sure my Uncle hasn't drank himself to death, yet.
I had to live my life.
I thought about that very seriously...She was absolutely right. He's a stubborn old Irishman. I know exactly what he'd tell me, as much as I know I'm what I'd tell myself...
The Universe has a funny way of sometimes acting/reacting really slow, or unreasonably fast!
My last night in Montana... I was on one for sure...There's always a bottom and mine was coming fast.
I proceeded to get my check cashed earlier in the evening before heading over to the tavern where my uncle hung out, and got drunk most every night of the week. I figured I would run into him.
Sure enough I did. He, his new girlfriend, the other bar tenders, and eventually, the owner of the bar showed up after their company Christmas party. It was a good time to start, or at least it seemed. Although, my uncle was behaving awkwardly. Probably because normally, he's a loud mouth Irishman taking shots with the next guy, but this night he seemed to be trying to behave in front of his new girlfriend. Which is understandable. No harm no foul.
Unfortunately, I didn't really have this awareness when I was buying the shots and drinks for everyone. After being introduced the new girlfriend, she shakes my hand, says to me, "you're not like him are you?" I say in kind of a "thanks for noticing" tone, "No, I'm not."
I proceeded to buy a round of drinks for everyone, and after what felt like pulling teeth, the group got my uncles girl friend to try some weird mixed drink the ladies were drinking that night.
As I got set to step outside to have a cigarette, my uncle girl friend made a comment about how my hooded sweat shirt made me look gay...whatever, right? Right.
So I'm outside having a cigarette, trying to text a guy about some weed, and one of my uncles "friends" who is also a bartender comes outside and tells me to stop hitting on my uncles new girlfriend...
Wait...What...?
"Fuck off!" That's exactly what I told her. Why? Because the only discussion and interaction I had with my uncles girlfriend was an introduction with a hand shake, that everyone seemed to be watching, and the time she told me I looked gay...
Yeah, I wanna hit on my uncles girlfriend who thinks I'm gay...WTF?! That's me everyone! Got me figured out...
I relatively pissed off the "friend" of my uncle with the f-off comment. She proceeded to "Blah, blah, blah,..." And then I posed a question from out left field about why invite me over for Christmas, in which the whole time I felt the life being sucked out of me because no one really wanted me there...I played along with all their little traditions, but couldn't help but shake the feeling nobody wanted me there... sure enough...nobody wanted me there...I would have rather sat at home and stared at the walls or slept, or anything else than be somewhere where I'm not wanted...
Nobody likes to be called on their shit, especially drunk bar tenders.
I went back to chatting with the weed guy, and buy the time got done she had gone back inside, lord only knows what she said, but I was politely escorted out of the tavern...with my arm behind my back...by the owner...
Super classy.
That was January 24th, 2014. I woke up January 25th with 3 words coming from the inside of my head, "Tomorrow never comes..." And in a flash the conversation I had with my friend, and coworker and living MY life for ME...Tomorrow never comes.
At that moment I knew exactly what I needed to do.
I think I've had enough,(I had to get out of that place) I might get a little drunk(it happened that night), I say what's on my mind(yup). I might do a little time(because I'm going to beat my uncles ass on the spot if he's going to take some chicks side on some drama that isn't even real, that got me escorted out of the bar).'Cause all of my kindness is taken for weakness(bought drinks for these assholes...) Now, I'm 4, 5 seconds from wil'in'(thank god he wasn't there when I woke up the next morning, because I probably would have needed bail), and we got 3 more days til Friday, I'm just trying to make it back home by Monday morning(I made it back to Mount Vernon around 2 am, Monday), and I swear I wish someone will tell me, that's all I want(I would love to hear the ridiculousness surrounding why I left that thin little town, because it was more than 1 little thing like pissing off some bar tender). .
Woke up an optimist(I knew I was doing the right thing, and was going to make "it" happen no matter what), the sun was shining, I'm positive(It was 65 degrees in January the day I left, -25 the week before). Then I heard you was talking trash(no shit?), hold me back, I'm about to spaz'. Yeah, I'm about 4 5 seconds from wil'in'...
....and i know that you are home tonight thinking how could i be so selfish(I left on my mother's birthday), but you cop out 1000 times wondering where I've been(...), now I know that you're home tonight thinking how could I be so reckless(I had $100 in my pocket, no real plan, and no where really to go, and nobody knew I was coming, my phone expired the night before hand, and had no way to get a hold of anyone), but I just can't apologize. I hope you can understand.(Mom)
If I go to jail tonight, promise you'll pay my bail?(Ben?Mom?)
See, they wanna buy my pride, but that just ain't up for sale!(I am not the guy, or even the person these people, through their own drunken haze that they quite literally spend their lives in, perceive me to be...I'm not one of them, but what I am is...family)
See all of my kindness is taken for weakness...
This song was released January 24th, 2015, and began being played January 25th. I hadn't heard it until I was on the road home to Mount Vernon after my last night in Montana. I don't think there is a more perfect song that could have expressed EXACTLY how I was feeling and what I was going through.
It was after about a 14 hour trip that I had finally reached the freeway exit I had grown to know so well over the years. Here I was. Had smoked my last cigarette about 30 minutes before hand and decided I should go buy another pack, and then start figuring out what I am going to do for food, housing, job...all that stuff we require in order to survive in society.
I pulled in the the McDonalds/Chevron next to the college, as I began walking into the store I noticed an old friend from AA. I saw him, and hoped that he hadn't seen me. I wasn't in the mood for chatting or small talk. I was tired, and had a lot on my plate after a 14 hour drive, at 2 am, with no place to live, and no place to go.
"Hey, Jason," he says to me as we both approach the door to the store."Shit!" I think to myself. "He recognized me!" I've always liked the guy and under any other circumstance I probably would have sat there and gladly caught up on how we have been doing, but at this moment, I really didn't want to.
Or so I thought. Within 5 minutes he had offered me a job driving taxi for him, as he had just purchased the business not more than 6 months prior, and was recruiting drivers.
Within 5 minutes of me being back here I already had a job...I think something was telling me I was back on the right track. I tracked down the friend that said that if I were to ever come back I could stay with her if I needed to...
"Oh, you were serious," she says when I show up unannounced. I stayed on her couch for a few days while finding my bearings. I began running errands with the owner of the company for some extra cash while waiting for the city to approve my taxi license and found myself with a bunch of busted belts flying out of my truck one afternoon.
Fortunately, I found myself a few exits away from a girl I used to see that was handy with working on automobiles. I walked to her house, left a note about my situation. Within a few days we had my truck back on the road and running again. She also offered me a place to crash for a period of time while I got on my feet.
Drinking every night. Every morning. When I would wake up. As soon as I got off work. Sometimes sooner. It was fine. She drank too! Other people I was hanging out with at the time were drinking pretty regularly, and at about the same rate I was. It was perfect! I was out of the state that seemed to cause me so much misery, I had weed, I had booze, the party was still rolling...Or so I thought.
I began to cut way back on my drinking, mainly because I had run out of money, but part of me had been wanting to quit so bad that I was grateful that I didn't have any money. That way I had an excuse NOT to buy alcohol...I couldn't afford it. What a way to live, right?
So when the money I did have dried up, and it no longer seemed beneficial for me to be there. The girl with whom I was staying insinuated that I "do a little more around the house" to "earn my keep." Not like I should do chores or anything like that. I picked up after myself pretty well while I was staying there, but that I should do "more"... Get it? She wanted me to sleep with her for compensation for rent. And that if I wasn't going to be doing that, that I should consider standing next to the freeway and ask for money...
Wow.
The day before I had made this little thing. I had hit my bottom. As I was making this I was having what we alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. My depression had gotten so bad that I felt as if any moment, I would find the balls to go through with it and just kill myself...I didn't see any way out. I had lost all hope. I was hopeless.
So that's how this little thing came to be on the last day I had a drink. I had decided to make a list of things that I wanted. Things that I knew would make the depression go away. If I had these things there would be no way it could find its way back in...
As the page began to fill, and the words began to take form from the graphite and sketch pad that was provided, a sense of calm came over me. It was these words. After spending the time tracing each letter over and over, making sure it was dark enough.
You gotta' love the subconscious.
I know the definitions of these words as easily as I breathe.They're simple words. The constant repeating of the writing and thinking of the words started to resonate within me.The word "Hope"...a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. At the time I didn't really know what having hope was, or even what it truly meant.
After a period of time I started to feel...amazing. I was still basically at the point of being at my lowest low I have ever felt. But I had something. All of a sudden it turned into real Hope. And for the slightest moment, a glint in my psyche, it brought me "Happiness"...
Following that was "Success"...
These things started to ring true inside of me. If it was as simple as writing it on a piece of paper and tracing over it, again, and again I would do it all day long, all night long. As long as the feelings I was feeling subsided, I would do it.
I guess the genie gave me a wish, and the wish flourished.
"If you could have one thing at this moment in your life, write it on a piece of paper..." Hope. Desiring and expecting a certain thing to happen. That was the thing in itself that happened. It spiked a sense of Happiness, and that, my friends, equals Success. The rest just started pouring out. Different sizes. Different lettering. All repeated over, and over. I would begin looking around at these words, all the while my brain processing their meanings, even able to place some of them in sequences with each other for deeper meanings. You can see how I was basically tricking my brain out of the
It may not be the cure for what I go through, or it may be. I don't know, but it worked enough. It worked enough for me to continue that perpetual model for success in everything that I am doing in my life today. It continues to blow my mind the areas in my life that keep opening up and expanding. At times it can be overwhelming to think about, so I try to stay focused on the now.
But I can honestly say that looking back on this last year...I was supposed to do exactly everything thing I did, in the manner that I did them to get to this place... this place of peace within myself. I think I am gaining a better perspective on "coming home" now that I am back where I am supposed to be. I don't really mean geographically. It's mostly spiritual.
I would like to send a final Thank You, and a debt of gratitude, and maybe in the next 2,000 years I'll do a better job!:) Because as I sit here, finishing this up,
I mentioned earlier about a young lady that probably saved my life...
"It was the recognition of something that she brought out in me that allowed me to understand the person I am still supposed to be..." I may be slightly stoopid, but that's some real shit.
Jason
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