Just say...no.

I was once locked up for something I didn't do...it was a couple months while the lawyers figured out the details....

The details are: some young lady handed me a note. In it were the details of how she wanted to fuck me...

As I read it, and laughed out loud...the young lady who handed it to me was devastated by my reaction. Within a few days she had gone to the police and said I touched some teenage girl.

Now, police take shit like that seriously. So I had to sit out 2 months of my life for stupid childish games...I sat out another 2 months in different county jails across Washington state taking care of "failure to appear" in a couple different counties...all drinking related...my 2 DUI's when I was 19 and 21...

At 21, and having no clue how to stay sober on my own, I went back to the old crew...or what was left of them...

We ended up smoking crack at the Days Inn, in the presidential suite, with some Latinos who were new in town...

Fire trucks pulled up at the bowling alley across the street. At which point, for some odd reason, we panicked. It was while taking the people home that...morning??? It was then that I knew I was addicted.

The next day I had to start a  2 year out patient program, and I gave it my best shot...

I was able to stay sober for 11 years before relapsing. Drank for about a year and managed to go a couple more years sober.

Then I moved here. First thing I wanted to do when I got here; was drink. And I did. My uncle taught me how, real quick. I only lasted about another year before I left on my mom's birthday, without saying goodbye to her, or anyone.

I managed to stay sober for about another year after leaving.

Is it because I ended up back HERE? ...I was only gone for a year...?

I was sober from 21~32. Being sober through our 20's is now impossible for some.

And if I've done the impossible before, why can't I do it again?

Why couldn't anyone reading this?

I am no better? Am I?

Rule #449

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

"Shakespeare said, 'All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.' He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God."

It was these 2 paragraphs that played a major role in the 11years I stayed sober.

I talk to the world on here, but I'm trying to reach 1.

The Last Ride...

Another day almost in the books. The hardest part about this process is looking back at the mistakes I've made along the way, and trying not to regret...how I could have handled situations better, taken better care of relationships, and most importantly, how I could have taken better care of myself. And in doing so, wondering what direction my life would be headed if I did...

Life is strange. The smallest things can have the biggest impact on how we see the world around us. One situation. One comment. One day, can change a life forever. Good or bad. In the blink of an eye something that was once great can be brought to rubble.

But there comes a time when you're standing in the middle of all that rubble, and you wonder, "What the fuck?!?"...

It's during those times of inner reflection that we are primed for change...that we are truly ready for change. It isn't until we hit rock bottom that we decide to finally look up.

In the last year I personally have hit that bottom...again. And I've been wallowing in it. Sitting in it, looking around at the misery I've created for myself, pretending that this is the way it's suppose to be right now. Well, guess what? It's not.

I know better. I know how. And I will. I will get myself out of this again, one last time. Because there isn't much to miss besides jails, institutions, or death. And that's what it boils down to in the end.

I have seen too many people come into my life and check out to soon. From my best friend this last year die on my birthday, to coma induced withdrawals from alcohol of another close friend, to the kid who thought he'd fuck around one more time, catching two bullets to the back of the head.

Are those dice worth rolling?

For me: they are not.

Addiction is a slippery slope. It's not biased, sexist, or racist...it don't give a fuck who it takes. Good looking, ugly, college grad, high school drop out...

So as I set out to once again, to do the impossible, I hope anyone reading this throughout the world knows that they are not alone, and that there are people out there who care.

Chaos Personified

I don't know why I started again...it's either me...or this place.
My fist relapse after 11 years was definitely all my own doing. Thought I was cured. But after nearly losing everything; house, job, relationship, self respect...everything. It was time to have a serious look at my actions and what kinds of damage they were causing...still causing.  I've had bouts of sobriety after the 11 years. I was happy.

But, it wasn't until I ended up here that I would start drinking...I know enough about my alcoholism/addiction that the blame for my relapses cannot be blamed on the state of Montana, or more specifically, the town's of Harlowton and Lewistown.

So what is it about this place? What is it that makes me think, " I need a fucking drink" whenever I get I to this state and those towns? I don't know, but I wish I did. I would probably be a lot more content being here, but have always had a sense of not wanting to be here...

I don't know...I got to get ready for work...maybe more later.

Food for Thought...

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."~page 30 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Be better...

Give me a better reason to write about you....

Demons Lie

Every where I look. Everywhere I turn, I see the demons. It seems like they thrive here...When leaving this place the wind seems to blow right at you pulling you back...when you return, the wind seems to suck you back faster than you left....is it just me, or does this sound like a vortex?

In this place, it feels like that more often than not...like a sucking vortex full of negative energy...it just pulls it all in, and here it lies...

The people try and fool themselves, communities turn a blind eye...the officials don't care...It's rotting from the inside out...and even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil...I can't help but crack a crooked smile...I know this beast...I've battled this beast...it kills if given the chance.

It breaks my heart to see even the children of this place with death plastered across their faces...and though they look in their mirrors; the don't see...

The demon lies.

One More Time...

The times I try; my heart is left torn. I shed tears, only to beg...

Don't tear my heart again...

Leave me with something...

With something to love...

Something to love again...

Let me love again....

One last time.

In the Blink of an Eye...

After moving back to Montana for the second time in 2 years I was at an after hour soiree when asked my thoughts on whether or not we've lived past lives...

I went on to explain my experience.

I recalled a moment during the first year of being back in Montana...

I was working at a local business that made specialty heaters for the military, in which 2 people sat 2 feet across from each other, handing ultra-thin metal wire back, and sticking it to a reflective surface that had adhesive with the ability to peel the skin off your hands...

Even with decent conversation it can a loooong night "winding targets"...

But one particular evening I was paired with a pretty young lady...I became nervous and shy...so typically I just shut down...and became awkward.

So we sat there for a bit; readying our respective work spaces for the task(s) at hand.

The rattle of her tongue ring killing the stale silence...

Out of know where she starts up a conversation...picking my brain in every little way...meanwhile I'm trying to be shut down and recluse...I'd had some serious trust issues going on at this point in my life, and she just kept prying...

Now, I'm a smoker, and considering how tedious the tasks were that we were doing; I was typically on top of when we could go to break, so I could suck down a couple cigarettes, and then back to the grind for another 2 hours...

Like I said, this evening was particular.

I lost complete...I don't know how to emphasize this more...COMPLETE sense of time...it stood still, and rushed by at the same time.

I've experienced "time flies when you're having fun" plenty of times through life thus far, but not like that...not before and not after...not yet.

So I missed my break by an hour, so what, right? It felt like a blink. Same thing happened for the remaining 2 breaks: missed them both...

Felt like 3 blinks...3 blinks of time that recognized all things about me...communicated with me in a way that was familiar, yet mysterious...and sporting an infinity symbol; I couldn't help but to be drawn to this person.

Was it love, or lust at first sight???

Probably more on the lust side; she is fairly attractive. 

But all that is besides the point...

So I explained all this to the woman at the after hours get together...

She asked me if I was "in love" with this young lady, or if I thought she was my "soul mate"...

I told her, "No. I don't think so..."

It was the experience of how 8 hours of time went by in seemingly 3 blinks of an eye...the familiar, yet mysterious way it was so easy to communicate...like we knew each other before...

That is why I believe that some of us, if not all of us go and come back through...

"Through" what, I don't know...

To and from where???

Do we recognize one another "through time"???

I don't have all the answers...

Did she experience the same thing? Probably not...

This is my muse.

...she's a little crazy, like most men think women are..."