Bettin' on jacks holdin' a flush...

"I have to change the world, or be changed by the world." T.S.

Searching

A Night at the O...

As I turned to see her eyes, her blue; sometimes grey eyes, piercing into mine ...quick witty banter, as if it were home.

Saying more with the fluttering of her lashes than with words coming out of her mouth...with each blink came it's own retort.

...satirical...

So I spoke the same way...fluttered mine right back. I had my own things to say in regards...

In regards to how this evening would go...

"I'm here with a date," fluttered lashes, and a wry smile express much more than words alone.

"I figured as much," fluttering in my own quirky, sardonic way, but still heart broken underneath it all.

Face to face.

The words are lost in time, but body language...

This instance has been burned into my psyche since.

I go to bed with it...I wake up with it...and it checks in at least one other time of the day...everyday.

That scene...

It had been months since I'd been out of the house to do something, anything. Now I observe the woman I miss, on a date with a guy she doesn't want to get close to...

Call me a schizoid, but the music playing left a ringing in my ears that would linger for another two days.

It had been months since we'd seen each other, I didn't know if I was making her uncomfortable just being there...

So I left...

And it's been on repeat ever since...

And it's only been just another month...

My Hero...

I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.
Tupac Shakur

Coming soon...

...

Work sucks...

That moment it's.ok to flirt with 15 year old girls as.opposed to the 17 year old.girls when you 40+...just vomit in your mouth a little ...k...

Dig Nity...

Be proud of yourself...

If you can't...

Find a way.

...

Damn it! New Muse!

Perfect Flaws...

"I don't even understand how you can judge as if you are perfect..."

I was told off today...if you didn't already gather that.

But this got me thinking...

I never said I was " perfect"...

To do that would be blasphemous, right? There's supposedly only 1 truly perfect human...he was Latino, and his name was Jesus.

But to be human...it's kinda flawed, ain't it?

So, how was he perfect? His eyes? Their color? His hair, it's color? His teeth? His smile? His physique? His voice? His laugh? His punctuation?

Was it all of them combined?

Is this what makes someone perfect?

The answers are probably all "no."

So then what was it about him that made him perfect?

His mind? ...but did he drink wine? Probably, yes. Did he use cannabis? Again, the answer, probably yes. Opiates? Hallucinogens?

Even just injesting wine, wouldn't that cause corruption of the "natural order" of things? Perfect tolerance???

One thing I do know about the Dude: he was a genius story teller...Similar in the ways of Confucius or Nasrudin, but a little more serious.

Was he taught? Wouldn't he already know it all? Wouldn't he know how to get through to the people of his time? But he didn't...whether he rose, or he fell, we are in worse shape now, than then.

I've heard the idea that He/She, the Universe(some other word than God) decided to incarnate itself. Which, it pretty much could...really...I mean it's made everything else possible...the sun, the moon, the stars...

So, yes, if it so chose to, I'm sure It could zap some ant on this rock, and become it.

To feel what we feel. To experience the things the we all go through...to understand.

To understand the human condition....

The perfectly flawed, human condition!

Why?

The most important question.

When it feels like you're trying to fight off 7 people just to get to know 1...why is that?

Why would a friend tell someone not to trust me?

Why would a friend do that?

Why won't anyone tell me, why?

Why would someone try to keep 2 people apart?

Maybe it's because some of these people don't like me?

Why?

I know I'm an asshole, but not by default.

Why?

It's usually because you're an asshole.

Why?

Because you already judged me.

Why?

Endless Nights...

Every morning seems to bring it's own challenges. Nothing is to come easy.

As I fight off bouts of anxiety, and depression in what seems like an hourly basis, but in reality it's about every 10~15 minutes...I try to focus on positive things...happy thoughts. Things that make me smile. Things that make me laugh.

Comforting thoughts.

I've found that I can't rely on people completely...I mean, there are people that are there for me, but who is really going to be there at 3:30 in the morning went I can't fucking sleep because my head won't stop spinning...when I just need to talk it out...? Someone to just be there for no other purpose than to just listen...to just be there...

Not many...

Very few...

These are the loneliest moments. When it's just me and the night.

Searching For Balance...

Recollections...

That moment you both wake up talking to each other in your sleep...

Were we dreaming about each other at the same time??

PPricelesss...

That look on her face when you step in the shower after...

Like...

"What the fuck planet am I on...?"

...babbling, "Are you even human!?!"

I'll take the compliment.

Who Would He be?

Who would He be today...?

He is suppose to be here by NOW, right??

HE meaning Jesuś Chirstó...

What would He look like...

Is that where His divinity came in, when we started capitalizing(on) He, Him, His,etc...?

So what would he look like? Would he be African, French, Chinese?

If he was here, would he know if he were who we say he is?

I mean, he would have been raised by parents, or someone for some period of time, right? Or beamed down...

Let's go with being raised, here and now first...maybe not necessarily by parents, but at least raised by this society...

Does he stop and just tell his parents, "You know I'm the 2nd coming, right?"....

Or maybe the child wouldn't know, but the universe just "would", and respond appreciably...?

Who knows...?

What did it take...?

It took what it took...

But, more specifically, it took 3 people to tell me 3 different things, at 3 different times...

In chronological order.

First, was a friend of mine who told me that I had alot of shit to work through...

Or something along those lines...

The point being? I didn't want to hear that shit!! I was doing just fine, thank you very much. But deep down, I knew she was right...

Second, was a fellow who woke me up out of a weed, beer, whiskey, red wine....hang over, pounding on my counter, yelling at me, "Do you know what you problem is?!?!"....

...and he never said.

But I knew...

It wasn't until the next time...the next time it happened(the black out, multiple personality, asshole comes out)...when he made a comment about..."the next time"...

Hopefully the next time doesn't come.

Last, but not least, it was 4 words that did it. Four words that rang in my head for days...It rang for days because it's what I told myself while being locked up for 4 those months, 17 years ago.

"Grow the fuck up!"

Each time, it was like a slap in the face, or a head butt to the mouth in some cases.

It took what it took.

It's time to grow the fuck up...again! ;)

Is it Fire...?

That moment you try to plug your cellphone in, and wonder if the strain was fire at the same time... 

My trip...

On a light hearted note, my mom had to remind me of the trip back to this place today.

Taking two days traveling with a cat in the back seat of a truck is not conducive to mentally stability...

That being said, it wasn't until we were little over an hour outside of out destination that she unleashed the most horrid diarrhoea....as she was sitting on my lap!!!

It's mid January and I'm ripping off my clothes on the side of some highway, wind and snow blowing, paper towels with cat shit whirling about....

I get back in the vehicle in a hurry after throwing my shirt and hoodie in my truck we were towing to rid of any foul smells...

As we get back on the road and rapidly heading to our destination with no further delays, as I'm pretty sure I heard my grand father say, "Throw the damn cat out' the window..." under his breathe...

With a deep breathe and a sigh, I'm sure I wondered what the next year would have in store...and as I ponder these rambling thoughts, I look back at my little truck, having being towed 1000 miles, what do I see frozen and stuck to the driver side mirror...a cat shit covered paper towel...

I know there's got to be an omen here somewhere...js

Just say...no.

I was once locked up for something I didn't do...it was a couple months while the lawyers figured out the details....

The details are: some young lady handed me a note. In it were the details of how she wanted to fuck me...

As I read it, and laughed out loud...the young lady who handed it to me was devastated by my reaction. Within a few days she had gone to the police and said I touched some teenage girl.

Now, police take shit like that seriously. So I had to sit out 2 months of my life for stupid childish games...I sat out another 2 months in different county jails across Washington state taking care of "failure to appear" in a couple different counties...all drinking related...my 2 DUI's when I was 19 and 21...

At 21, and having no clue how to stay sober on my own, I went back to the old crew...or what was left of them...

We ended up smoking crack at the Days Inn, in the presidential suite, with some Latinos who were new in town...

Fire trucks pulled up at the bowling alley across the street. At which point, for some odd reason, we panicked. It was while taking the people home that...morning??? It was then that I knew I was addicted.

The next day I had to start a  2 year out patient program, and I gave it my best shot...

I was able to stay sober for 11 years before relapsing. Drank for about a year and managed to go a couple more years sober.

Then I moved here. First thing I wanted to do when I got here; was drink. And I did. My uncle taught me how, real quick. I only lasted about another year before I left on my mom's birthday, without saying goodbye to her, or anyone.

I managed to stay sober for about another year after leaving.

Is it because I ended up back HERE? ...I was only gone for a year...?

I was sober from 21~32. Being sober through our 20's is now impossible for some.

And if I've done the impossible before, why can't I do it again?

Why couldn't anyone reading this?

I am no better? Am I?

Rule #449

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

"Shakespeare said, 'All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.' He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God."

It was these 2 paragraphs that played a major role in the 11years I stayed sober.

I talk to the world on here, but I'm trying to reach 1.

The Last Ride...

Another day almost in the books. The hardest part about this process is looking back at the mistakes I've made along the way, and trying not to regret...how I could have handled situations better, taken better care of relationships, and most importantly, how I could have taken better care of myself. And in doing so, wondering what direction my life would be headed if I did...

Life is strange. The smallest things can have the biggest impact on how we see the world around us. One situation. One comment. One day, can change a life forever. Good or bad. In the blink of an eye something that was once great can be brought to rubble.

But there comes a time when you're standing in the middle of all that rubble, and you wonder, "What the fuck?!?"...

It's during those times of inner reflection that we are primed for change...that we are truly ready for change. It isn't until we hit rock bottom that we decide to finally look up.

In the last year I personally have hit that bottom...again. And I've been wallowing in it. Sitting in it, looking around at the misery I've created for myself, pretending that this is the way it's suppose to be right now. Well, guess what? It's not.

I know better. I know how. And I will. I will get myself out of this again, one last time. Because there isn't much to miss besides jails, institutions, or death. And that's what it boils down to in the end.

I have seen too many people come into my life and check out to soon. From my best friend this last year die on my birthday, to coma induced withdrawals from alcohol of another close friend, to the kid who thought he'd fuck around one more time, catching two bullets to the back of the head.

Are those dice worth rolling?

For me: they are not.

Addiction is a slippery slope. It's not biased, sexist, or racist...it don't give a fuck who it takes. Good looking, ugly, college grad, high school drop out...

So as I set out to once again, to do the impossible, I hope anyone reading this throughout the world knows that they are not alone, and that there are people out there who care.

Chaos Personified

I don't know why I started again...it's either me...or this place.
My fist relapse after 11 years was definitely all my own doing. Thought I was cured. But after nearly losing everything; house, job, relationship, self respect...everything. It was time to have a serious look at my actions and what kinds of damage they were causing...still causing.  I've had bouts of sobriety after the 11 years. I was happy.

But, it wasn't until I ended up here that I would start drinking...I know enough about my alcoholism/addiction that the blame for my relapses cannot be blamed on the state of Montana, or more specifically, the town's of Harlowton and Lewistown.

So what is it about this place? What is it that makes me think, " I need a fucking drink" whenever I get I to this state and those towns? I don't know, but I wish I did. I would probably be a lot more content being here, but have always had a sense of not wanting to be here...

I don't know...I got to get ready for work...maybe more later.

Food for Thought...

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."~page 30 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Be better...

Give me a better reason to write about you....

Demons Lie

Every where I look. Everywhere I turn, I see the demons. It seems like they thrive here...When leaving this place the wind seems to blow right at you pulling you back...when you return, the wind seems to suck you back faster than you left....is it just me, or does this sound like a vortex?

In this place, it feels like that more often than not...like a sucking vortex full of negative energy...it just pulls it all in, and here it lies...

The people try and fool themselves, communities turn a blind eye...the officials don't care...It's rotting from the inside out...and even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil...I can't help but crack a crooked smile...I know this beast...I've battled this beast...it kills if given the chance.

It breaks my heart to see even the children of this place with death plastered across their faces...and though they look in their mirrors; the don't see...

The demon lies.