The Last Ride...

Another day almost in the books. The hardest part about this process is looking back at the mistakes I've made along the way, and trying not to regret...how I could have handled situations better, taken better care of relationships, and most importantly, how I could have taken better care of myself. And in doing so, wondering what direction my life would be headed if I did...

Life is strange. The smallest things can have the biggest impact on how we see the world around us. One situation. One comment. One day, can change a life forever. Good or bad. In the blink of an eye something that was once great can be brought to rubble.

But there comes a time when you're standing in the middle of all that rubble, and you wonder, "What the fuck?!?"...

It's during those times of inner reflection that we are primed for change...that we are truly ready for change. It isn't until we hit rock bottom that we decide to finally look up.

In the last year I personally have hit that bottom...again. And I've been wallowing in it. Sitting in it, looking around at the misery I've created for myself, pretending that this is the way it's suppose to be right now. Well, guess what? It's not.

I know better. I know how. And I will. I will get myself out of this again, one last time. Because there isn't much to miss besides jails, institutions, or death. And that's what it boils down to in the end.

I have seen too many people come into my life and check out to soon. From my best friend this last year die on my birthday, to coma induced withdrawals from alcohol of another close friend, to the kid who thought he'd fuck around one more time, catching two bullets to the back of the head.

Are those dice worth rolling?

For me: they are not.

Addiction is a slippery slope. It's not biased, sexist, or racist...it don't give a fuck who it takes. Good looking, ugly, college grad, high school drop out...

So as I set out to once again, to do the impossible, I hope anyone reading this throughout the world knows that they are not alone, and that there are people out there who care.

Chaos Personified

I don't know why I started again...it's either me...or this place.
My fist relapse after 11 years was definitely all my own doing. Thought I was cured. But after nearly losing everything; house, job, relationship, self respect...everything. It was time to have a serious look at my actions and what kinds of damage they were causing...still causing.  I've had bouts of sobriety after the 11 years. I was happy.

But, it wasn't until I ended up here that I would start drinking...I know enough about my alcoholism/addiction that the blame for my relapses cannot be blamed on the state of Montana, or more specifically, the town's of Harlowton and Lewistown.

So what is it about this place? What is it that makes me think, " I need a fucking drink" whenever I get I to this state and those towns? I don't know, but I wish I did. I would probably be a lot more content being here, but have always had a sense of not wanting to be here...

I don't know...I got to get ready for work...maybe more later.

Food for Thought...

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."~page 30 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Demons Lie

Every where I look. Everywhere I turn, I see the demons. It seems like they thrive here...When leaving this place the wind seems to blow right at you pulling you back...when you return, the wind seems to suck you back faster than you left....is it just me, or does this sound like a vortex?

In this place, it feels like that more often than not...like a sucking vortex full of negative energy...it just pulls it all in, and here it lies...

The people try and fool themselves, communities turn a blind eye...the officials don't care...It's rotting from the inside out...and even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil...I can't help but crack a crooked smile...I know this beast...I've battled this beast...it kills if given the chance.

It breaks my heart to see even the children of this place with death plastered across their faces...and though they look in their mirrors; the don't see...

The demon lies.