What did it take...?

It took what it took...

But, more specifically, it took 3 people to tell me 3 different things, at 3 different times...

In chronological order.

First, was a friend of mine who told me that I had alot of shit to work through...

Or something along those lines...

The point being? I didn't want to hear that shit!! I was doing just fine, thank you very much. But deep down, I knew she was right...

Second, was a fellow who woke me up out of a weed, beer, whiskey, red wine....hang over, pounding on my counter, yelling at me, "Do you know what you problem is?!?!"....

...and he never said.

But I knew...

It wasn't until the next time...the next time it happened(the black out, multiple personality, asshole comes out)...when he made a comment about..."the next time"...

Hopefully the next time doesn't come.

Last, but not least, it was 4 words that did it. Four words that rang in my head for days...It rang for days because it's what I told myself while being locked up for 4 those months, 17 years ago.

"Grow the fuck up!"

Each time, it was like a slap in the face, or a head butt to the mouth in some cases.

It took what it took.

It's time to grow the fuck up...again! ;)

The Last Ride...

Another day almost in the books. The hardest part about this process is looking back at the mistakes I've made along the way, and trying not to regret...how I could have handled situations better, taken better care of relationships, and most importantly, how I could have taken better care of myself. And in doing so, wondering what direction my life would be headed if I did...

Life is strange. The smallest things can have the biggest impact on how we see the world around us. One situation. One comment. One day, can change a life forever. Good or bad. In the blink of an eye something that was once great can be brought to rubble.

But there comes a time when you're standing in the middle of all that rubble, and you wonder, "What the fuck?!?"...

It's during those times of inner reflection that we are primed for change...that we are truly ready for change. It isn't until we hit rock bottom that we decide to finally look up.

In the last year I personally have hit that bottom...again. And I've been wallowing in it. Sitting in it, looking around at the misery I've created for myself, pretending that this is the way it's suppose to be right now. Well, guess what? It's not.

I know better. I know how. And I will. I will get myself out of this again, one last time. Because there isn't much to miss besides jails, institutions, or death. And that's what it boils down to in the end.

I have seen too many people come into my life and check out to soon. From my best friend this last year die on my birthday, to coma induced withdrawals from alcohol of another close friend, to the kid who thought he'd fuck around one more time, catching two bullets to the back of the head.

Are those dice worth rolling?

For me: they are not.

Addiction is a slippery slope. It's not biased, sexist, or racist...it don't give a fuck who it takes. Good looking, ugly, college grad, high school drop out...

So as I set out to once again, to do the impossible, I hope anyone reading this throughout the world knows that they are not alone, and that there are people out there who care.