Chaos Personified

I don't know why I started again...it's either me...or this place.
My fist relapse after 11 years was definitely all my own doing. Thought I was cured. But after nearly losing everything; house, job, relationship, self respect...everything. It was time to have a serious look at my actions and what kinds of damage they were causing...still causing.  I've had bouts of sobriety after the 11 years. I was happy.

But, it wasn't until I ended up here that I would start drinking...I know enough about my alcoholism/addiction that the blame for my relapses cannot be blamed on the state of Montana, or more specifically, the town's of Harlowton and Lewistown.

So what is it about this place? What is it that makes me think, " I need a fucking drink" whenever I get I to this state and those towns? I don't know, but I wish I did. I would probably be a lot more content being here, but have always had a sense of not wanting to be here...

I don't know...I got to get ready for work...maybe more later.

Food for Thought...

"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."~page 30 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous