The most important question.
When it feels like you're trying to fight off 7 people just to get to know 1...why is that?
Why would a friend tell someone not to trust me?
Why would a friend do that?
Why won't anyone tell me, why?
Why would someone try to keep 2 people apart?
Maybe it's because some of these people don't like me?
Why?
I know I'm an asshole, but not by default.
Why?
It's usually because you're an asshole.
Why?
Because you already judged me.
Why?
Every morning seems to bring it's own challenges. Nothing is to come easy.
As I fight off bouts of anxiety, and depression in what seems like an hourly basis, but in reality it's about every 10~15 minutes...I try to focus on positive things...happy thoughts. Things that make me smile. Things that make me laugh.
Comforting thoughts.
I've found that I can't rely on people completely...I mean, there are people that are there for me, but who is really going to be there at 3:30 in the morning went I can't fucking sleep because my head won't stop spinning...when I just need to talk it out...? Someone to just be there for no other purpose than to just listen...to just be there...
Not many...
Very few...
These are the loneliest moments. When it's just me and the night.
That moment you both wake up talking to each other in your sleep...
Were we dreaming about each other at the same time??
That look on her face when you step in the shower after...
Like...
"What the fuck planet am I on...?"
...babbling, "Are you even human!?!"
I'll take the compliment.
Who would He be today...?
He is suppose to be here by NOW, right??
HE meaning Jesuś Chirstó...
What would He look like...
Is that where His divinity came in, when we started capitalizing(on) He, Him, His,etc...?
So what would he look like? Would he be African, French, Chinese?
If he was here, would he know if he were who we say he is?
I mean, he would have been raised by parents, or someone for some period of time, right? Or beamed down...
Let's go with being raised, here and now first...maybe not necessarily by parents, but at least raised by this society...
Does he stop and just tell his parents, "You know I'm the 2nd coming, right?"....
Or maybe the child wouldn't know, but the universe just "would", and respond appreciably...?
Who knows...?
It took what it took...
But, more specifically, it took 3 people to tell me 3 different things, at 3 different times...
In chronological order.
First, was a friend of mine who told me that I had alot of shit to work through...
Or something along those lines...
The point being? I didn't want to hear that shit!! I was doing just fine, thank you very much. But deep down, I knew she was right...
Second, was a fellow who woke me up out of a weed, beer, whiskey, red wine....hang over, pounding on my counter, yelling at me, "Do you know what you problem is?!?!"....
...and he never said.
But I knew...
It wasn't until the next time...the next time it happened(the black out, multiple personality, asshole comes out)...when he made a comment about..."the next time"...
Hopefully the next time doesn't come.
Last, but not least, it was 4 words that did it. Four words that rang in my head for days...It rang for days because it's what I told myself while being locked up for 4 those months, 17 years ago.
"Grow the fuck up!"
Each time, it was like a slap in the face, or a head butt to the mouth in some cases.
It took what it took.
It's time to grow the fuck up...again! ;)
That moment you try to plug your cellphone in, and wonder if the strain was fire at the same time...
On a light hearted note, my mom had to remind me of the trip back to this place today.
Taking two days traveling with a cat in the back seat of a truck is not conducive to mentally stability...
That being said, it wasn't until we were little over an hour outside of out destination that she unleashed the most horrid diarrhoea....as she was sitting on my lap!!!
It's mid January and I'm ripping off my clothes on the side of some highway, wind and snow blowing, paper towels with cat shit whirling about....
I get back in the vehicle in a hurry after throwing my shirt and hoodie in my truck we were towing to rid of any foul smells...
As we get back on the road and rapidly heading to our destination with no further delays, as I'm pretty sure I heard my grand father say, "Throw the damn cat out' the window..." under his breathe...
With a deep breathe and a sigh, I'm sure I wondered what the next year would have in store...and as I ponder these rambling thoughts, I look back at my little truck, having being towed 1000 miles, what do I see frozen and stuck to the driver side mirror...a cat shit covered paper towel...
I know there's got to be an omen here somewhere...js
I was once locked up for something I didn't do...it was a couple months while the lawyers figured out the details....
The details are: some young lady handed me a note. In it were the details of how she wanted to fuck me...
As I read it, and laughed out loud...the young lady who handed it to me was devastated by my reaction. Within a few days she had gone to the police and said I touched some teenage girl.
Now, police take shit like that seriously. So I had to sit out 2 months of my life for stupid childish games...I sat out another 2 months in different county jails across Washington state taking care of "failure to appear" in a couple different counties...all drinking related...my 2 DUI's when I was 19 and 21...
At 21, and having no clue how to stay sober on my own, I went back to the old crew...or what was left of them...
We ended up smoking crack at the Days Inn, in the presidential suite, with some Latinos who were new in town...
Fire trucks pulled up at the bowling alley across the street. At which point, for some odd reason, we panicked. It was while taking the people home that...morning??? It was then that I knew I was addicted.
The next day I had to start a 2 year out patient program, and I gave it my best shot...
I was able to stay sober for 11 years before relapsing. Drank for about a year and managed to go a couple more years sober.
Then I moved here. First thing I wanted to do when I got here; was drink. And I did. My uncle taught me how, real quick. I only lasted about another year before I left on my mom's birthday, without saying goodbye to her, or anyone.
I managed to stay sober for about another year after leaving.
Is it because I ended up back HERE? ...I was only gone for a year...?
I was sober from 21~32. Being sober through our 20's is now impossible for some.
And if I've done the impossible before, why can't I do it again?
Why couldn't anyone reading this?
I am no better? Am I?
